


Excerpt from the Unofficial Stormtroopers’ Guide (by FN-3404)

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 14:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8288633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Section 47.01 How to survive senior officers





	

**Excerpt from the Unofficial Stormtroopers’ Guide (by FN-3404)**

_Section 47.01 How to survive senior officers_

_47.01.562_

> If at any point, you are assigned as part of a detail onboard Lord Ren’s shuttlecraft […] the only solution is to feign death, or something terminal. No matter what you do, your odds of survival are as low as your hits-on-target. […] The medical team will understand, and will submit you for reconditioning. Lord Ren is skilled. His skills do not include keeping us alive.

_47.01.563_  


> Working on the bridge crew is normally safe, unless you are tasked to investigate strange readings/sounds/reports. In this situation, check if the ship is under attack. If so, you may be able to lie down, shoot yourself somewhere non-terminal, and wait it out. […] If not, General Hux will find out and reconditioning would be the least of your worries.

_47.01.563.1_  


> If you are on the bridge crew when General Hux and Lord Ren are both present, do not make eye-contact with anyone, ever. Do not hear anything. Do not see anything. Do not breathe loudly. It is best to pretend you do not exist, and they may forget you and you may not die. We all know how uncomfortable the tension is, but we also like staying alive to complain about it when back in our regular rotations.

_47.01.563.2_  


> If you are ever anywhere other than the bridge and you see General Hux and Lord Ren together, you are at increased risk of collateral damage (c.f. _Section 103.1 How to survive Force powers, sub-section Force-choking and brain damage_ ) and you should turn away even if it means pretending you forgot to turn the ion cannon off. Do not approach. Do not approach under any circumstances. General Hux and Lord Ren do **not** play Pazaak together and you _will_ be liable for any off-shoot of their interactions. **REMEMBER FN-7331.**

_47.01.563.3_  


> It has come to my attention that it is now even more dangerous to approach General Hux and Lord Ren. I don’t entirely remember why, but it was a key part of my latest reconditioning. […] I will no longer enter armoury rooms unannounced. […] I will no longer enter cleaning cupboards unannounced. […] I will no longer enter maintenance hatches unannounced. […] I do not know what Lord Ren looks like unmasked. […] I don’t think I got Force-choked. […] I keep having flashes of ginger pubes. […] I’m going to ask for more reconditioning.


End file.
